I don’t know quite how to begin this, so I’ll just being to write out my feelings and see where it takes me.

For the last two years, Christmas time for me has not been what is used to be. It’s been a very dark and joyless thing, something I have almost forgotten. All of the things that once brought joy to my heart have brought only pain and sorrow. Two years ago, I lost one of the dearest people that will ever have been a part of my life, that person was my Grandmother. I remember getting a call one summer day from my Mother saying that she was in the hospital. Naturally, I didn’t panic too much at that time, as she was over 75 years of age, I figured it was an illness that would be treated and then she would be out again, as history had dictated before in her life. This however, would prove to be very different. I kind of took time for granted, and remained busy working, until a few days later my Dad quietly told me “ Chad, I think you need you need to go and see your Grandmother now” At that time I knew in my heart what was going to happen. I remember taking a shower, and as I let the water pour over me I was numb emotionally.

This could not be, she was supposed to be here forever, she told me that she would always be there for me and that I was her precious Chad and that she was always proud of me and loved me so dearly. As I began to ponder these things in my heart, I began to weep and just broke and let it out; I stood there in the shower and cried my heart out.

I remember that afternoon just before I went into the hospital I called a close friend (Verner) and told him that I could not bear this and that I could not face it. He left me a voicemail I will never forget telling me to be strong and courageous and that God had a purpose and let me know that I was not alone. Well, two days later Grandma went home to be with the Lord. Grandma was a woman of faith, and from a more simple time when things were not so complicated in life. She was always so loving, kind, gentle and compassionate, much of which, I inherited from her. Grandma taught me so many things in life, she took me on camping trips, took me to the Zoo, taught me how to play the piano, and taught me how to fish. So many precious memories I have. Most of all though, my Grandmother loved Christmas! Oh, how she came alive during this time, everything was so cheerful and festive! I remember her house would smell like freshly baked Christmas cookies when you walked in, the elaborate Christmas tree and decorations, she dressed so beautifully in Christmas colors. She was so pretty. My Grandmother loved music, she would play her guitar and we would just sit around and sing Christmas carol after carol. I looked forward to this every year. As a child she would come over and we would make old-fashioned crafts like decorating pinecones. I can’t begin to recall all of the memories. 30 years worth!

Well, since she has been gone, this time of year is painful for me, because even thought I hold her in my heart, it’s empty without her. Nothing is the same. I hold onto the memories and I can sometimes still hear her sweet voice singing. God how I miss her so much! There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember and think of her. I refused to celebrate Christmas after that point and became bitter. Somehow, I lost and let go of all of the things that brought joy and happiness. I forgot Christmas and what it meant.

Well, this year I decided to try and let my heart live again. It’s been so difficult to see and hear things again and let myself remember, but I know that Grandma would want me to be happy and find some peace and joy in this life. So my heart is coming to life again.

When I was child music was always a special part of my life because of her. I was in a very special Children’s choir that traveled around the country. When I was about 10 years old, we did a production called “A Family Christmas” I will never forget it as long as I live. This was done with an audience of about 6,000 people. There was a full symphony orchestra, children’s choir, full adult choir and a live nativity scene in the Church. It was quite elaborate. The music and choral orchestrations were some of the most beautiful I have heard even to this very day. Someday it is my dream to recreate this production. It’s a wonderful story of Christmas mixed with music. Grandma especially loved the children’s songs “Super Duper Christmas” “His Name Shall Be Adored” and a song called “Let’s Make A Memory”. So this year, I plan to make a memory! The recording from the Church is over 21 years old and no longer pristine, but I wanted to post it in memory of Grandma. The sounds of my children’s choir, wow does this flood back memories and bring back some life to me. I still remember the songs! This was a Christmas tradition in my family to listen to around the fireplace and sing along to while drinking hot cocoa.

Grandma, I miss you so much! I will always love you and never forget you! Thank you for having been my Grandma. You always said how you only wished you had more to give, but what you never realized, was that you gave me more love than I could ever ask for! I’ll never forget all of the things you taught me. I wish you were here to still be proud of me. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone, but I know you are watching up in Heaven. I know that you are making sweet music for Jesus now and walking hand in hand with Him. So, until the day when we meet again, you will always remain in my heart and memories. I hope you know how much I love and miss you! I hope you remember this music you loved so much, as it is warming and healing my heart right now to hear. Grandma, this is lovingly dedicated to you! Until that someday!