Sometimes it seems that those closest to and most dear to us can hurt us over and over again. I found myself at one time or another and most recently, asking this very question "Lord, how many more times do I have to endure this, how many more times do I just take the pain and forgive the hurt and say it's okay?" It seems that to the level of infinite grace and mercy that we've been given, so must we show to others, no matter how bad it hurts inside. To love a friend, Brother or anyone, means allowing yourself to be hurt. We must choose not to harbor any bitterness against them. Does this mean what they did to us is condoned? No, but it means we have made a conscious choice of the heart to release the person we care about from whatever was said or done and to leave it behind. I find myself to be in this position, and even though it hurts and a feeling of betrayal or abandonment can be present, I will show love and mercy in the face of these things and I choose to walk in forgiveness by the Lord's grace.




Lord, I got no more tears to cry,
Someone has hurt me, done me wrong,
I’m walking wounded, oh,
Lord, this pain is a knife of fire,
Why does it have to turn out this way?
Why to the innocent seem to pay?

How many times must I stand in the waves of this crashing sea?
How many times must I forgive all the hurt that’s been done to me, let the jury go, set the sinner free?
Oh, seventy times seven.

Lord, I really don’t understand,
I’m looking ‘round for some stones to throw,
You’re telling me I should let it go.

How many times must I stand in the waves of this crashing sea?
How many times?
I hear what you’re saying inside of me, but I don’t understand the mystery,
Oh, seventy times seven.

How may times have you wept from the anguish of all my shame?
How many times have I nailed up on the cross of pain?
You bled from a broken heart and I was to blame,
Seventy times seven,
Over and over again,
Seventy times seven,
Lord, you know just how hard I have tried,
Seventy times seven,
Gotta see that I’m hurting inside,
Seventy times seven,
Don’t you know that my pride is at stake?
Seventy times seven,
So, tell me how much one should take,
Seventy times seven,

With all of this excessive talk of love that's been in the air lately,and since I am surrounded by it and can't seem to escape from it, I find myself to be in a rather introspective state of mind. Oh well, I guess we all dream of love and it's magical spell that it has over us, and of the one who sweeps us off our feet. How and when does this mystical thing happen?

Counting every moment
Biding all my time
Standing out here on my own
Searching for that someone
To heal this heart of mine
And keep me from being alone
But when will it be
And how will I know
I dont want to wait here forever
Chorus:
Somebody love me
Come and carry me away
Somebody need me
To be the blue in their grey
Somebody want me
The way Ive always dreamed it could be
Wont somebody love me, love me

Im waiting for somebody
To dance across the floor
Sweeping me off of my feet
Im looking for the right one
To open up that door
And offer me a tender retreat
Its like wanting to sing
But needing a song
When will I hear the music playing

Did I ever tell you how you live in me
Every waking moment, even in my dreams
And if all this talk is crazy
And you don't know what I mean
Does it really matter
Just as long as I believe
[Chorus:]
I will love again
Though my heart is breaking, I will
love again
Stronger than before
I will love again
Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
Heaven only knows, I will love again
People never tell you
The way they truly feel
I would die for you gladly
If I knew it was for real
So if all this talk sounds crazy
And the words don't come out right
Does it really matter
If it gets me through this night
[Chorus]
If I'm true to myself, nobody else can take the place of you
But I've got to move on, tell me what else can I do
[Chorus]
I will love again
One day I know, I will love again
You can't stop me from loving again, breathing again
Feeling again
I know, one day, I'll love again

Here's a song that I sing when I am down and need some joy..I sing it and it places a smile on my face and joy in my heart..I hope that this blesses you too!

(Oh happy day
Happy, happy day)
Oh happy day
Oh what a happy day
When Jesus washed
When He washed
When my Jesus washed my sins away
Talking bout a happy day

Oh happy day
Talking bout a happy day
When Jesus washed
I'm so glad He washed
When Jesus washed my sins away

Oh what a happy day
He taught me how to watch to watch and pray
To live rejoicing every day
Each and every day
My Lord
Oh what a happy day
Oh happy day
Oh what a happy day
When Jesus washed
I'm so glad He washed
When my Jesus washed all my sins away
Oh it was a happy day

Oh happy day
Lord what a happy day
When I get to heaven
I'm gonna spread the news
Jesus washed my sins away
Yes it was a happy day
All because Jesus
Oh You are my happy day
Cause one day You washed
I'm so glad that You washed
Yes one day You washed all my sins
You washed my sins away
What a happy day

He taught me how to watch to watch and pray
To live rejoicing every day
Each and every day
My Lord
Oh what a happy day
Oh happy day
Oh what a happy day
When Jesus washed
I'm so glad He washed
When my Jesus washed all my sins away
Oh it was a happy day

I think many of us can relate to this. This is where I am now. Ever ask yourself the questions, Where do I fit in?, What's my purpose?, Is there a vision that I can call my own? Why am I here on this earth? I think God placed in all of us, a sense of need for purpose and direction in this journey we're on called "Life". I believe that only He knows and can give each of us those answers for our particular lives. After all, He lovingly made each of us and knows and loves us more intimately than any human being ever could.

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Chorus:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me I'm

Chorus

A friend gave me this song when I was really down, and I can relate to it, as I look back at certain points of time in my life..I think we've all been there before...


Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying?
Tell me now, tell me now
Tell me, why you're feelin' this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!

Is it your heart
Oh, breakin' all in pieces?
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue?
Is there anything that I can do?

CHORUS:
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
And if you let me stay
I'll take all of the hurt away

Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling?
Did somebody, somebody, somebody leave your heart in the cold?
You just need somebody to hold so, baby
(Give me a chance)
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do

CHORUS:
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
And if you let me stay
I'll take all of the hurt away
(ooh, I can make it go away)

(Instrumental)

Is it your heart
Oh, breakin' all in pieces?
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue?
Is there anything that I can do?

CHORUS:
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
I'll take all of the hurt away

Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me baby
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
I'll take all of the hurt away

This is a song that I really like and can personally relate to. Some people will always be a part of you!








oh oh oh

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realized nothings broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothings broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

If I live every moment
Won’t change any moment
Still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothings broken (yeah)
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction (don't look back)
I loved you once needed protection (no, no)
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo

I can’t waste time so give it a moment (i can't waste time)
I realized nothings broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done (no need to worry)
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction (don't you ever look back)
I loved you once needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you

Angels we have heard on high
Sweetly singing oer the pains
And the mountains in reply
Echo back their joyous strains
Gloria o gloria in excelsis deo

Come to bethlehem and see
(gloria o sing gloria)
Him whose birth the angels sing
(gloria o sing gloria)
Come adore on bended knee
Christ the lord the newborn king

Gloria o gloria in excelsis deo

Angels we have heard on high
(gloria o sing gloria)
Sweetly singing oer the plains
(gloria o sing gloria)
Jesus lord of heavn and earth
With us sing our saviors birth

Gloria o gloria in excelsis deo

Alleluia

I don’t know quite how to begin this, so I’ll just being to write out my feelings and see where it takes me.

For the last two years, Christmas time for me has not been what is used to be. It’s been a very dark and joyless thing, something I have almost forgotten. All of the things that once brought joy to my heart have brought only pain and sorrow. Two years ago, I lost one of the dearest people that will ever have been a part of my life, that person was my Grandmother. I remember getting a call one summer day from my Mother saying that she was in the hospital. Naturally, I didn’t panic too much at that time, as she was over 75 years of age, I figured it was an illness that would be treated and then she would be out again, as history had dictated before in her life. This however, would prove to be very different. I kind of took time for granted, and remained busy working, until a few days later my Dad quietly told me “ Chad, I think you need you need to go and see your Grandmother now” At that time I knew in my heart what was going to happen. I remember taking a shower, and as I let the water pour over me I was numb emotionally.

This could not be, she was supposed to be here forever, she told me that she would always be there for me and that I was her precious Chad and that she was always proud of me and loved me so dearly. As I began to ponder these things in my heart, I began to weep and just broke and let it out; I stood there in the shower and cried my heart out.

I remember that afternoon just before I went into the hospital I called a close friend (Verner) and told him that I could not bear this and that I could not face it. He left me a voicemail I will never forget telling me to be strong and courageous and that God had a purpose and let me know that I was not alone. Well, two days later Grandma went home to be with the Lord. Grandma was a woman of faith, and from a more simple time when things were not so complicated in life. She was always so loving, kind, gentle and compassionate, much of which, I inherited from her. Grandma taught me so many things in life, she took me on camping trips, took me to the Zoo, taught me how to play the piano, and taught me how to fish. So many precious memories I have. Most of all though, my Grandmother loved Christmas! Oh, how she came alive during this time, everything was so cheerful and festive! I remember her house would smell like freshly baked Christmas cookies when you walked in, the elaborate Christmas tree and decorations, she dressed so beautifully in Christmas colors. She was so pretty. My Grandmother loved music, she would play her guitar and we would just sit around and sing Christmas carol after carol. I looked forward to this every year. As a child she would come over and we would make old-fashioned crafts like decorating pinecones. I can’t begin to recall all of the memories. 30 years worth!

Well, since she has been gone, this time of year is painful for me, because even thought I hold her in my heart, it’s empty without her. Nothing is the same. I hold onto the memories and I can sometimes still hear her sweet voice singing. God how I miss her so much! There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember and think of her. I refused to celebrate Christmas after that point and became bitter. Somehow, I lost and let go of all of the things that brought joy and happiness. I forgot Christmas and what it meant.

Well, this year I decided to try and let my heart live again. It’s been so difficult to see and hear things again and let myself remember, but I know that Grandma would want me to be happy and find some peace and joy in this life. So my heart is coming to life again.

When I was child music was always a special part of my life because of her. I was in a very special Children’s choir that traveled around the country. When I was about 10 years old, we did a production called “A Family Christmas” I will never forget it as long as I live. This was done with an audience of about 6,000 people. There was a full symphony orchestra, children’s choir, full adult choir and a live nativity scene in the Church. It was quite elaborate. The music and choral orchestrations were some of the most beautiful I have heard even to this very day. Someday it is my dream to recreate this production. It’s a wonderful story of Christmas mixed with music. Grandma especially loved the children’s songs “Super Duper Christmas” “His Name Shall Be Adored” and a song called “Let’s Make A Memory”. So this year, I plan to make a memory! The recording from the Church is over 21 years old and no longer pristine, but I wanted to post it in memory of Grandma. The sounds of my children’s choir, wow does this flood back memories and bring back some life to me. I still remember the songs! This was a Christmas tradition in my family to listen to around the fireplace and sing along to while drinking hot cocoa.

Grandma, I miss you so much! I will always love you and never forget you! Thank you for having been my Grandma. You always said how you only wished you had more to give, but what you never realized, was that you gave me more love than I could ever ask for! I’ll never forget all of the things you taught me. I wish you were here to still be proud of me. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone, but I know you are watching up in Heaven. I know that you are making sweet music for Jesus now and walking hand in hand with Him. So, until the day when we meet again, you will always remain in my heart and memories. I hope you know how much I love and miss you! I hope you remember this music you loved so much, as it is warming and healing my heart right now to hear. Grandma, this is lovingly dedicated to you! Until that someday!

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

And it starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And they start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while